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Hello Tumblr. It’s been awhile. Lets Ketchup.

Its 3:38AM right now and I’m sitting on the floor of my cousin’s room. I can see the stars so clearly outside the window in front of me. Its nice.

But yeah. I don’t know. I have a lot on my mind that I need to let out and speak freely about. So here I present to you, the can of beans I’m about to spill.

Aaaannnnnddd….I knocked it over.

So I don’t know what it is lately. For some reason I just feel like I’m stuck in a rut. I guess its because school is starting back up, but I already left. I don’t have my diploma yet which is bugging the shit out of me. I feel once I get my diploma I’ll be a little better, but I’m still pretty stressed. I still yet have trouble deciding whether to just go back to my high school as a super Senior and finish my credits and get a diploma or do online. I know online would be a lot easier, but I really wanna go back. I thought about the pros and cons reguarding to each option. I know a diploma from my school will look great on college applications because its known to be a great school. And it will increase my chances. I know being a Super Senior may look bad, but its not a bad thing at all I learned. Actually, it shows that I’m not giving up. Yeah I made some stupid choices back when I was an underclassman, but that’s in the past. I can’t live life regretting shit I did. Its got to be accepted. No turning back. And I want to better myself. I’ve been looked down as a depressed drop out druggie by so many people. I was even made fun of by faculity at the high school. No joke. I was laughed at when I said I wanted to graduate and get my diploma. I want to show them an everyone else that I’m not the lable they see me as. And I want to also prove to myself that I can infact do it. All my life, the only thing I ever felt was I wasn’t good enough. And I still feel that way. And I feel as if I will be able to change that mentality of myself if I achieve this stepping stone. Only problem is a father who doesn’t have my back 100% like he says he does. He thinks he can make the right choices for me, but in reality, its not what I want. I want to be able to have my own voice. My OWN goals. He’s the one who told me to fuck high school. Drop out and get my GED. And I said no. I wanted to finish and get my diploma. He laughed at me. And when I said something about college, he laughed at me again. When I had a phone interview with my dream school, he insulted the school, the repusentative and even talked me down. Told them I wasn’t fit for college. That I couldn’t do it. Honestly, that made me cry. I cried for a week because I thought my chances to Full Sail were good and gone. That’s been my dream school since Middle School. Now call me crazy, but I don’t think a parent should inflict such a thing on their child. And their only one at that. My mom isn’t much help either. She’s a dead beat and doesn’t help me with a damn thing. I feel like my parents are holding me back. Neither of them are helping. On top of the school thing, I still don’t have a car nor a job. I live in bum fucked no where so there is nothing close enough to me I can walk to but a gas station and pizza joint. Which niether hire often. And no transportation to even get a job. Father refuses to be my reliable transportation but exspects me to hold a job for a few months before helping me get a car. If he even will. He lied about helping me get into Full Sail, so why wouldn’t he lie about this? My mother is selfish and has a booked up work schedule and just…I don’t feel like fighting with Satan about helping me. Because all I get are demons and dead babies thrown on top of me whenever the topic is brought up. Always “I don’t care.” Or “you should have thought of that.” Or “do it yourself.” Oh and even “make your father do it.” Never have I received a “ok. Let me see what I can do.” Or “I will help you step by step.” None of that. I just get told to get out of her face. Then again I should exspect this from someone who would yell at me for the way I drew my ‘9’s on my math homework when I asked for help. Instead of helping, I get bitched at for not drawing the perfect circle on the number 9. True story. Swear to god.

I’ve just always felt my parents never really gave an actual horse shit about me. I mean, I know I was a mistake baby. And they never cease to make me feel like I’m just that. I mean, instead of caring what his daughter was thinking about or how she was feeling, all that mattered was the grade on that piece of bullshit paper called a report card. Slipping and failing wasn’t tolerable. Which is understandable. But instead of forcing me to sit at a counter every Wednesday when I saw you, was miserable. I would get yelled at if I stared out the window. I had to sit there and study shit for a test that I knew I wouldn’t remember. I had a bad problem with remembering stuff for tests. And I couldn’t stay focused. Instead of shouting and punishing your child for getting bad grades, shouldn’t you talk to them and maybe have something click in your head like “Oh. Something must be up”. Whether that be I have ADD, Anxiety, Depression, or even if I’m sitting in school with my thumb up my ass. At least show some concern for your child’s mental health. Yelling only made matters worse and made me slip up more because I felt I could never please you even when I tried so hard to. And what was really fucked was I would do great in a class. All good passing grades. Not a single “good job. I’m proud” but the minute I get one F in that class, BOOM. “What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you studying? You’re not trying. Don’t tell me you are. You don’t know the first thing about trying.”

I rest my case.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand my father only wanted me to get good grades to help me get through school, but for God’s sake man. Put down the paper and reading classes, and take a little time out of your up tight day to get inside the head and thought process of your child. In the end, a grade is just a grade. But your daughter is still your daughter. Call me crazy, but mental health is way more important than a letter on a piece of paper.

I’m just sick and tired of being put down with the things I do. I want help from my father because he can afford the things I need to get on my feet and would be a big help with getting me where I need to go, but its so hard when I’m being told which path to take. I want to take my own path. Find my own happiness. I’m tired of people thinking they know me when they don’t have any idea about the mind and thought process I possess inside this fucked up head.

Worst enough I was hardcore made fun of. Not only by peers at school, but also family members as well. I get it. I’m the black sheep. Need we point it out?

Jesus Christ. I know there are people out there with way worse problems than me, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t still affect me.

I’m mistaken for a rebelious teenager who hates being told what to do. Who smokes weed and doesn’t give a fuck about where I’ll be. Fuck school. Who needs it. Fuck grades. Worthless.

When in reality, I’m just a fucked up young adult about to be 19, knowing what they want to do with their life. One who has goals and ambitions. But is being told how to live THEIR life. Its not that I don’t like being told what to do, I don’t like being told how to go about my life. And for the failing school, I couldn’t concentrate. I want that diploma. But its tough when all your brain ever wants to do is design and create new things. I mean shit. I made art out of my class notes. Wrote the notes down with pictures describing the notes or word art. I could never stay focused. Anxieties got me crawling up the damn wall like Spider-Man on meth. Which leads to depression. With no one actually willing to help me achieve my dreams. People who think their helping, but really are not.

And now I need a spoon to eat all the beans I just spilled. Nice little rant. I needed that.

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